Is It Hard To Get A Man To Commit?

Dear Blackman,

Is it hard to get a man to commit? Does that mean he's less likely to cheat on his wife once he DOES commit?

L Boogie


The Black Man:


Hi L Boogie,

First off, you can’t get a man to commit. A man or woman for that matter makes the choice on his or her own to make a commitment. When you go into a situation thinking you can make someone do something, is not a smart approach. I think that timing has a lot to with commitment. Just like in most relationships timing and communication are key factors for them to be successful. You also have to happy with yourself, clear on what you want and on the same page with your partner.

If a person is going to cheat, they are going to cheat. Some people are just meant to be open relationships if it works for them. Others cheat because they are not fully happy with themselves or in the relationship that they are in. They also may not know what they really want. You must go within and figure out what makes you happy.

I hope this gives you a good perspective.

TBM

What would attract a 38-year-old man to a 62-year-old woman?

Dear Blackman,

What would attract a 38-year-old man to a 62-year-old woman? She doesn't look her age and she was upfront with him from the jump so he knows how old she is. He genuinely seems to like her a lot. They have great sex -- is it all about the sex?

FICA

The Blackman:

Hi Fica,

I think this out of the range of calling the female a Cougar so what would this be called a "lioness"? (Smile).
Seriously speaking, as they say, "beauty is in the eye of the beholder". Perhaps it is beyond the sex and he does genuinely like the woman. My questions are how long have they been dating? Do you if he has an attraction to older women? Has he had an active sex life? Sometimes when people when people are in a drought they tend to go after whatever they can get.
If she does not look her age then can also play a factor of him not feeling weird about it.

That's my 99 Cents worth.


TBM

Am I Crazy For Dating A Man That Got Another Woman Pregnant?

Dear Blackman,

Am I crazy or stupid for continuing to date a guy (with no type of commitment) that I know has gotten another woman pregnant? He hasn't told me about the baby yet but I found out the same time he did. The other woman 10 weeks pregnant and they are still seeing each other. I am in love with him and I don't care that he's having a baby with someone else as long as he still wants to be with me. Of course I eventually want to be with him exclusively, but for now I am content in sharing him with the other woman. Am I kidding myself? She does have a trump card in the form of his DNA after all. When we're together he makes me feel so sexy and special. Although I've tried dating other guys, none of them even come close to comparing to him. I end up just missing him more and wishing he were there with me instead of the others. I know I shouldn't compare other guys to him but I can't help it. What should I do?

-Addicted

The Blackman:

Hi Addicted,

I feel you need to step back for a moment and really look at your situation. You are running on a lot of emotions and no rationale.

Take into consideration these key points:

1) He is having a baby with another woman in whom you said he did not even tell you about but you found out. So how did you find out? Clearly, he was not upfront with you about this.

2) You are not in any type of committed situation with him. Even if you were, that would be even worse. If he is not committed to you now what makes you think that eventually he would want to be?

3) If he has just been dating the both of you on a non-committal level, what makes you think that there may not be other people he is involved with as well? You don't even know.


It seems like you have a lot of feelings for this man but sticking around is only going to create an appetite of destruction for you.
It will be only more drama that you will possibly endure from him and the baby's mother.

I strongly urge you to be done with him and move on. You will get over the heartache. I am sure you will find someone that is available that will make you feel good that you can fall in love with.

Good Luck.

TBM

Am I Selfish For Wanting An Open Relationship with Husband?

Dear Blackman,

Am I being selfish for wanting to have an open relationship with my husband of 15 years?

-Double A

The Blackman:

Hi Double A,

I don't think that you are being selfish. It appears that you want to get some "fresh air" for better use of terms. Have you discussed this with your husband yet? If not, I would really look into why you really feel this way and make sure this is something that you really want to do. I say this because if you discuss this with your husband and whether he agrees or disagrees it could possibly be detrimental to your marriage. If he gets angry about it could cause a strain. Also, it is important to make sure you will be able accept the fact of him being with other women if he chooses to do so. In some instances, the person in the relationship that lobbies for an open relationship winds up getting hurt by it because they get jealous of their mate being with someone else.

Take some time to really consider this before moving forward with it.

That's my 99 Cents Worth.

Good Luck.

TBM

Can A Man Wait Until Marriage To Have Sex?

Hello Blackman,

I am a 21-year-old African American Christian woman who is saving herself for marriage. Quite frankly, I feel like I am one of the last of a dying breed of excellent women. It seems to be hard to find a good black man who appreciates me for who I am. What man wants to deal with a girl who won’t satisfy his sexual needs until after marriage?

CD

The Blackman:

Hi CD,

I think the way society is designed these days it is tough to find that match. It is not impossible though. Just like anything else, once you find something great you should cherish it.

Society has transformed a lot throughout the years where pre-marital sex is not looked at as taboo anymore. In some ways it has helped certain situations and in other cases it has not. For example it has stopped some people from getting married and realizing that lust was the premise of their relationship. On the flip side it has made someone overlook a person that they would overall be compatible with but since pre-marital sex was not in the equation, they looked past the person.

The age of when people get married has changed as well. Nowadays it is common for people to get married in their 30's, unlike in the past most people were married with children in their 20's.

Sex has become a big emphasis in our society, rather than religion where premarital sex is forbidden. This factor makes it tougher for people to abstain until marriage. A majority of the things that you see in the multimedia platform of our society has a sexual innuendo to it.

Another makes it difficult in your case because the men in your age range are going through their sexual prime so they may not be looking to settle at that point of their lives.

Look at yourself as a diamond in the ruff and be open to receiving a gem for a lifetime partner. There are men out there that will respect the fact you want to save yourself for marriage and will see your value beyond sex.
Since you are a Christian woman, a good place to look for man who will value that is at Church. That's not saying that you can't find men elsewhere that will honor that but they can relate where you are coming from. Be patient and you will find someone that will appreciate you.

Good Luck,

TBM

I Am Black, Gay And Grew Up Around White People. Where Do I Fit In?

Dear TBM,

I'm gay and black. It's hard for me as a black man to appreciate myself from years past and had wished that I were someone else. I grew up in a small town and most of my friends were Caucasian. I've often seen myself as one of them. I know it sounds very sad but it's my reality. I would stretch myself to learn more about my culture and race while attending college. But often found that I was ridiculed because I just did not fit into the stereotype of what an African-American should be. For example, I never used in proper in English such Ebonics. So when I would speak, it was with proper verbs and nouns etc. I would receive many reactions from my own people asking me "why do you talk so proper or why you talk like you are white"? My reaction would be one of hurt and withdrawal. Because of that when it comes to dating or loving someone that I want to be with, it became a challenge for me. I've always dated men out side of my own race and often found myself not really happy. I'm not sure what type of kind of advice you have and also not sure what your beliefs are regarding homosexuality but I would hope that you could look past it if you are not in agreement and give some solid advice.
Thank you

MMB


The Blackman:

Hi MMB,

This issue actually has nothing to do with your sexual orientation; it has to do with race. You have actually gone through what quite a few people of color go through when being raised in a predominantly white area or being educated in school that consists of mostly white people, and very few blacks for a greater portion of your childhood.
In many cases when going to college you have been around the most black people that they have ever encountered in their life. Then you are trying to figure out what it is to be black. Some people go to the extreme and become extremely militant and others may try to transform to become "ghetto" or "hood". There is also a group of people that are trying to figure an alternative route then the previous two where they can fit in. That sounds like the category where you fit in. Usually during your college years and going through your twenties people are still defining who they are.

It seems to me that since you don't speak Ebonics and have been criticized for it, it has hurt your self-esteem and you question your "blackness". You are not comfortable in your own skin.
I like for you to answer this question. What does it take for some one to be black? The last time I looked it was determined by the color of your skin. It has nothing to do with how you speak, dress, or the neighborhood you live in. There are plenty of black people that do not speak in Ebonics. A lot of blacks are actually raised in households where the parents don't allow their kids to speak like that or even use the "N" word.

You have be comfortable with who you are as an individual in which it seems like you are not in that place yet. Because you are not happy within, you are putting yourself in situations that are not creating happiness for you. If you want to be with black men then you have to be in environment that will allow you to engage with other black gay men. Basically you are holding yourself back. If you focus on moving past these obstacles you will find yourself in a better place in life. You cannot change where you lived or how you were raised. If you learn to truly accept the person that you are, you will be a happier individual.

Good Luck.

TBM

How Do I Move Forward From A Past Relationship?

Dear Blackman,

How do you move on from a past relationship that was filled with love and hurt equally? The love that I have for my ex-boyfriend has always overpowered all the wrong he has ever done to me. I have not forgot those things and even in all his wrong- doings (cheating, lying,etc.), I do not hate him or dislike him enough to let him go. I would like to move forward with my life and do not want keep on holding on to my past. What should I do?

-Stuck in Neutral


The Black Man:

Hi Stuck In Neutral,

It is not always easy to move forward from a past relationship especially when you have so many feelings and emotions towards some one. You become attached to that person.

Whenever someone has done something wrong to you no matter what type of relationship you have with that person, you are not going to forget what that person has done to you. The key is to forgive them.

Forgiveness will help you move on from that situation. It creates an avenue for you to let go and be at peace with yourself. When you don't forgive you hold that anger inside of you which resonates and in most cases lashes out on individuals that had nothing to do with that circumstance. That is why some people walk around angry at the world because they have not learned to forgive. It's not attractive to have all of that anger built up inside of you. People that have that much anger are usually lonely.

You can love someone but sometimes it just might not be the right situation to be in. That is when you have learn to move on.

Staying in that type of relationship will not create happiness for either person. It is easier said than done to move on, but in the long run that is the best thing to do.

A lot of people live in the past with certain situations in their life and that is why they don't progress. You can not change what happened in the past. You can only learn from it and move forward. It is best to live in the present. Life is about choice and you can create what you want for your life by living in the present.

It is time for you to switch gears from neutral to drive and move forward in your life. There are unlimited amounts of possibilities for you in your life. Be committed in creating a happy lifestyle yourself.